There is currently a disconnect between who I perceive myself to be and the way in which I am living my life. And also between what I want to do and what I'm able to do. And also between what I want and how I'm achieving what I want.
All in all, life isn't very satisfying right now. I look at myself in the mirror and then scurry away because to continue to look and examine would require me to own up to the discrepancies.
I'm stuck. Or at least I feel stuck.
I look around me and wonder if it's all a dream. We've created ourselves quite the world haven't we? We do so many unnecessary things. We spend time on the internet, a semi-untangible thing, stalking our "friends" and sharing pieces of our hearts to people who really don't care. We go to work at jobs that don't mean anything in the big scheme of things. I mean, how much of this is necessary?
I spend a great deal of my time at work trying to make things as "homey" as possible for the people at the hotel. Wouldn't it just be better to be at home?
I was thinking about boundaries in relationships today. Somehow unwritten rules have been created saying that when interacting with friends/partners/lovers/etc we are to act a certain way. Says who? Why do we all have to conform to one way of doing things when we are each going to love in different ways? Why can't I just live in the best way for me? If I worry about getting hurt by people all the time I will never love. I won't be able to put my heart out, to let anyone see it, regardless of whether or not it is a romantic relationship. Trust me, I've been there.
Why is love so scary? Why is it necessary? Why is it desired so much??
To love and to be loved. That's all I want. Not in the "I love you but..." kind of way, but in the "I love you and..." kind of way. Complete acceptance. Constant encouragement to pursue my dreams. I can tell you all the crap, I need people to tell me the good.
I've lost faith. I've lost purpose because I lost faith. I feel like a nomad just searching for a place to rest, a place that feels like it could be home for awhile. I'm tired of being a nomad. My other options aren't appealing though. To quit wandering would mean settling. I refuse to settle, so I keep wandering, however tiring it is.
Yup, purpose is gone. I can see it in my words. I can feel it in my chest and in the burning of my eyes.
So what now, oh you dark abyss? Are there answers? Are there truly answers for the deep, dark questions of my heart? Is peace possible?
Alas, I shall let the eternal questions lie for one more day.
