I don't want to be a Crazy Christian, but I don't want to be a bitter liberal either.

I want hope and love and faith in SOMETHING...if even myself.

I don't think I will find it if I seek it. I have to stumble into it. Get hit over the head with it. Fall into love.

That's it. I want to fall into love.

O Me! O Life! - Walt Whitman

O Me! O life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring-What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.
That you are here-that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

The other day I was on facebook and I saw these two quotes that really resonated with me and my current faith/lack of faith situation.

The first: "Once you've got it all figured out, but don't have LOVE, what was it worth; what was the point?"

and also..."An atheist said that if people really did believe in God, there would be some type of proof in their behavior; "They'd be doing all sorts of crazy things, giving up their lives, but they don't do that do they?"

Amen. Let me say it again. Amen.

As a former highly involved member of the church, I have seen it all. I have seen the well-intentioned but off the mark Christians, the on-fire Christians, the dead-beat Christians.

I have been encouraged by leaders, peers, and sermons. I have been extremely hurt by leaders, peers, and sermons, and not just in the conviction sense.

I know that the negatives shouldn't necessarily taint my view of Christianity as a whole, seeing as how "we all fall short of the glory of God" but it's hard not to let it.

Let's face it, there is no huge distinction anymore in the way that Christians live their lives. Ask many "crazy, secular, liberals" what their view of Christians is and they will have nothing good to say. The divorce rate among Christians is the same as non. Christians in my experience are more apt to vote FOR war than against. Gay humans feel inhuman around them.

and what for? In the name of Christ? Didn't Jesus preach love?

It's hard for me to come crawling back to the church when the church is harmful. Both the Church and the church are hurtful. Many people that I love dearly have been so burned. So hurt. I can't reconcile that in my mind.

One thing that has been hard for me during this time of seeking has been the conversations that I have had with people who had it all "figured out". Do we EVER really have it figured out? I would say no. There was an air of "Someday you'll see it like me" when we talked and that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

I don't know what the future looks like for me. I want SO BADLY to believe that there is peace, hope, and love that is attainable. The idea of Jesus hits places in my heart. But humans have yet to figure out how to carry out the ways of the Bible well.

Is it because we're human? Is that it? Are we never able to attain the things that Jesus promised? Is it that our systems are completely dysfunctional?

I don't have the answer anymore. What is your answer?

I want to sing again.

I kind of miss going to regular church services where I was able to express myself through music. Now, I just hope that the song on the radio is one that I know so that I can belt it.

**note** the MAIN reason I haven't gone to church services is NOT because of my recent doubts, but rather due to the fact that I have been working Saturday nights 3rd shift and going to church would be physically unhealthy for me.

**double note** I hate that I just justified why I don't go to church.

I love postsecret.com. I find it interesting that so many people feel free after they submit their secret or read someone else's.

I've wanted to submit some for a while. I've wanted to share things that I didn't want to tell people, but that I wanted to get off my chest. If I really think about it, though, I kind of want people to read them and to know they were my secrets. Why? I think because it would allow people into that space in my life.

It's weird how I want people to know the deepest parts of my heart and yet I do everything that I can in order to save face.

So here's a not-so-secret secret: I want to fall in love (and to be loved) more than I want anything else in the world.

Life is really all about love isn't it?

When I start asking myself what I want out of life, I come down to the old adage "to love and to be loved in return". That's it. Sure, it'd be nice to save the world or to find a fulfilling career, but those are just additional. I want to love myself, to be able to love others freely, and to be loved fully.

So what practices in my life can I adopt so that I can do those three things well?

That's my journey.

How quickly I have forgotten.

I just read a journal I wrote for a class this past spring where I had frustrations, but an underlying hope.

But I've quit since then.

How quickly I have forgotten all of the feelings from last spring where I KNEW that God was working.

I yelled at God today and i'm really hoping that he yells back.

See, God's been very quiet. I've been doubting him more than I ever have before.

Not just doubting in what he says, but doubting the very existence and necessity of God.

There have been a few days in the past few weeks where I have stared at the sky and just asked God to prove himself. "Pulling a Gideon" as I like to call it.

I figure if God is who people say he is, and as big as he claims to be, then he can handle my questions and doubts, right?

I have just realized that the god i have believed in my whole life is not good for me to believe in. He expects too much, doesn't value me as is, and makes me feel like a piece of shit. Yes, shit.

So step one in my journey (should I choose to accept it) is to change my view of God.

I'm not there yet though. I think about reading all of the Christian living literature that I have on my bookshelf and I can feel my insides constrict, my heart rate increase.

So I wait. If God is who he says he is (and who my friends/family/Christians say he is) then he'll prove himself. If he really loves me then he'll prove it. Sometimes with love that's necessary.

My heart's ramblings...

There is currently a disconnect between who I perceive myself to be and the way in which I am living my life. And also between what I want to do and what I'm able to do. And also between what I want and how I'm achieving what I want.

All in all, life isn't very satisfying right now. I look at myself in the mirror and then scurry away because to continue to look and examine would require me to own up to the discrepancies.

I'm stuck. Or at least I feel stuck.

I look around me and wonder if it's all a dream. We've created ourselves quite the world haven't we? We do so many unnecessary things. We spend time on the internet, a semi-untangible thing, stalking our "friends" and sharing pieces of our hearts to people who really don't care. We go to work at jobs that don't mean anything in the big scheme of things. I mean, how much of this is necessary?

I spend a great deal of my time at work trying to make things as "homey" as possible for the people at the hotel. Wouldn't it just be better to be at home?

I was thinking about boundaries in relationships today. Somehow unwritten rules have been created saying that when interacting with friends/partners/lovers/etc we are to act a certain way. Says who? Why do we all have to conform to one way of doing things when we are each going to love in different ways? Why can't I just live in the best way for me? If I worry about getting hurt by people all the time I will never love. I won't be able to put my heart out, to let anyone see it, regardless of whether or not it is a romantic relationship. Trust me, I've been there.

Why is love so scary? Why is it necessary? Why is it desired so much??

To love and to be loved. That's all I want. Not in the "I love you but..." kind of way, but in the "I love you and..." kind of way. Complete acceptance. Constant encouragement to pursue my dreams. I can tell you all the crap, I need people to tell me the good.

I've lost faith. I've lost purpose because I lost faith. I feel like a nomad just searching for a place to rest, a place that feels like it could be home for awhile. I'm tired of being a nomad. My other options aren't appealing though. To quit wandering would mean settling. I refuse to settle, so I keep wandering, however tiring it is.

Yup, purpose is gone. I can see it in my words. I can feel it in my chest and in the burning of my eyes.

So what now, oh you dark abyss? Are there answers? Are there truly answers for the deep, dark questions of my heart? Is peace possible?

Alas, I shall let the eternal questions lie for one more day.

I am a
strong
independent
educated
smart
passionate

female

capable of
loving deeply
achieving my goals
dreaming of a better world

and i like that.

I think that my type of female is beautiful and ok.

So why in the world have I let people convince me otherwise?

Not having faith is tiring.

I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!

Have you ever thought about the power of human interaction?

I'm thinking specifically romantic love between two individuals. An emotional connection creates a physical feeling. An abstract word, "love", consists of such powerful human emotions, desires, longings. And to think that all of these feelings, whether physically or emotionally felt, are all physiological in nature as well.

Being in love with a person can make a woman come alive and be free, can draw out the inner strength and power of a man. This love can draw out the power in a woman and can bring out the sensitivities in a man. Simple, yet complex feelings which we cannot control end up controlling us. Chemical reactions created by a feeling, a glance, a conversation have so much power.

But how? We don't really choose who we fall in love with. We generally cannot choose who we are attracted to, try as we might. So how strange is it to think that these random connections with people can bring so much meaning to a life?

I read "The Bridges of Madison County" and was left with an awe of human interaction. I was also left with a fear. A fear that my dreams will be washed away by time. That I will end up in a passionless marriage where I stay for the kids and because of the commitment that I made. That I will have sacrificed my dreams for a meager existance.

I am hesitant to hope for too much because I don't want to be disappointed in the end. But I know that without any hope, my life will take a turn for the worse... Perhaps I can not only find significance, freedom, power, and love in a romantic relationship somewhere down the road, but also in my relationships now with people.

Reflections

I spent a large chunk of time this morning looking back on old Facebook statuses and blog posts. While I remember where I have been, I had forgotten all that I had thought about where I was. I was floundering and seeking direction. I was waiting for the next best thing instead of finding contentment where I was.

And then I looked at my statuses from this past semester and I saw a huge change. I have found true joy in my relationships. I have found a level of peace. I have stopped wanting the future so much.

One of my old blog posts from right before I went to Chicago anticipated that Chicago would be my chance to fly, to become ME! And looking back, it was.

I love me.
I crave adventures.
I love to smile and to laugh and to enjoy people.
I want to try new foods and new wines.

I have found life.

I have been trying to focus on the daily instead of the future. In that, I have been trying to be content with today.

It's been working.

And I'm not sure I've ever been more pleased with the way my life is headed.

In 5 hours, I will be done with my undergrad.

In 175 hours, I will be leaving for India.

Whoa.

My theory on the "Swine Flu"

The Swine Flu is talked about too much and has been created to look like it's a crazy pandemic from which all people will die.

Here's the thing: Fear can unite people. Right now we are in an economic recession that the general population cannot do much about. The government is also struggling to find a way to fix the problems permanently (that's a whole other topic). People in America are wary of the government and Obama's talk of a promising future.

But alas! Enter a sickness that spreads JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER SICKNESS. Someone somewhere decided that it would be a good idea to focus all of our attention on this flu, rather than on the other problems in the country. Notice that Obama and the CDC have made some statements on the flu, trying to regenerate hope in the country.

But again, fear unites people. We are scared of the swine flu and are looking for someone to fix it. Who will/can fix it? Why, the United States government of course! (FALSE)

My solution? Stop talking about it. Stop generating more fear than needbe. Wash your hands as you should anyway and don't worry about it. We don't need one more thing to be paranoid about.

Is it possible to desire both wealth/fame and to help the poor?

Wrong question.

Is it ok to desire both?

I want nice things. I want a reliable, nice-looking car. I want a nice house/apt, with modern furniture, stainless steel appliances, an island in my kitchen, and coordinating towels. I want to dress well, wear power heels to work, and to have a coat in every color.

And yet, I want to see peace in the world. I want to see every person have a coat in the winter. I want to see everyone have food. I am willing to do without, so that they can be with.

A friend told me that I would end up as a yuppie and he wasn't the first to tell me that. Ugh.

It's such a strong fight within me every day. Riches or poverty? Status or no status? Do I put my name on the article or do I leave it annonymous?

I don't want to hear that everyone deals with this, because not everyone does. Some people are legitimately ok with riches or with scuffed up coffee tables. I'm not. I hate that I desire more. HATE it.

But do I hate it enough to let it go?

Is there a way to balance the two? to reconcile the two? To desire both nice things and to help the poor? Will I have any credibility if I do have nice things?

Can I just pass it off to my future husband saying that I will take a paycut and he can make the money? That way I could have the nice things without the guilt...or would that solve it?

Is it bad to have a $50 toaster if I got it for $5 at Goodwill? Is that the answer? I do enjoy Goodwill...

I am happy with life right now, aside from all of the unanswered questions of the future.

When I think back to January and February, I am so thankful to be where I am at. I have laughed more lately than I have in awhile. I have enjoyed the company of good friends, while sacrificing sleep. I have gone on adventures and have been okay not knowing when I would get home.

I am finding my true self way deep down. It's coming out and I'm realizing how powerful it is. How beautiful it is.

May I not shy away from my potential, may I encourage others to embrace theirs as well, and may the laughter continue.

I was just sitting here at work thinking and I realized something.

I need an escape. I need to go to the beach or the woods or somewhere where I can relax and be free. No time constraints, no crowds, nothing fighting for my time. No planned excursions with friends while there, just spontaneity.

Oh for the weather to be nice and for school to be done...

Decisions Decisions

Chicago: World Vision Faith and Justice Fellowship (10 months)
Chicago: MA in Social Justice from Loyola University (36 credits or >5 years)
Africa: VOX United (1-2 years)
Grand Rapids: Mel Trotter Ministries (Unknown)
Grand Rapids: Holiday Inn (Unknown)
India: Could something open up when I go?

Such big, life altering decisions are upon me. I don't have answers, only a gagillion questions

The Lion King and Men

I watched The Lion King the other day and Nala said something so profound about grown up Simba.

See, Simba was in denial that he was the real king. He didn't want to own up to his responsibilities and go back to Pride Rock to help his family.

Nala knew who he really was. She saw his true self, his strength. Even when he did not.

Her line was priceless "He's holding back, he's hiding. But what I can't decide. Why won't he be the king I know he is? The king I see inside?"

This is the story of Christian guys. So much potential, but they don't live up to it because they shy away.

Nala's question is the question of us females.

A) Whoever I am supposed to marry doesn't know what is coming. He is obviously settling right now.

B) I'm Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I’m through
Digging this ditch I’m digging for you

Where all these worries wear down on me will rise
Where all these habits pull heavy at my heart will die

Digging a ditch where madness gives a bit
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Where all these disappointments that grow angry out of me will rise
Will die, will die, will die

C) I will no longer try to prove myself worthy.

In order for my faith to be saved, I need to leave home.

I just have to laugh at my life right now.

God has been doing weird things in the lives of my friends and it's impacting me too.

The choices that I am being faced with are crazy. They are things that I never would have thought I would have to do. They are things that "Jennifer doesn't do", but here I am considering the possibilities.

Will I wimp out or will I do them?

Do I risk my heart? Do I put my heart out there?

Oh God be clear and give me peace.

I am so sick of caring about people.

I am sick of waiting on people to come into my life. I'm sick of waiting for a man.

I don't like that people have an effect on me and my emotions.
But at the same time, I don't want to change it.

I am not looking forward to the balancing act of Real Life.

I AM looking forward to Spring Break.

"Believe" Staind

I sit alone and watch the clock

Tryin to collect my thoughts

All I think about is you

And so I cry myself to sleep

And hope the devil I don't meet

In the Dreams that I live through

Believe in me

I know you've waited for so long

Believe in me

Sometimes the weak become the strong

Believe in me

This life is not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I never have the things to say

To make it all just go away

To make it all just disappear

Hear my words

Hear my voice

So just believe

Life not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams.

There's an article on CNN today about a former soldier and addict starting a charity to help homeless veterans. Apparently 1/3 of all homeless adults are veterans of war. This man's particular story included him becoming an alcoholic while a member of the Army. He was also using drugs by the time he left the Army.

This story is not uncommon.

The men and women who are deployed and who see combat come home different people. There are physical issues (injuries, drugs, alcohol) and there are psychological issues (nightmares, the inability to re-enter into society).

If we are going to send people to war, we need to take care of them.

There are stories upon stories of individuals who went to Iraq, came home injured, and are being refused treatment or the monetary help that they need. Some soldiers come home with Post Traumatic Stress disorder and "having been depressed before the war" are denied treatment (do a simple google search for the issues of soliders coming home, you'll see what I mean).

If we are going to send people to war, we need to take care of them.

Jumbled thoughts

• Due to my brain's inability to think linear-ly these days, this post will be a lot of jumbled thoughts.
• Crazy things are happening: in my life and in my friends' lives. It's all so exciting, but then I realize that we are graduating and may never again be a part of the story.
• I heard the song "Pinch Me" by the Barenaked Ladies today. I like these lyrics:
  It's the perfect time of year
  Somewhere far away from here
  I feel fine enough, I guess
  Considering everything's a mess.
  There's a restaurant down the street
  Where hungry people like to eat
  I could walk, but I'll just drive
  It's colder than it looks outside.
  
  It's like a dream, you try to remember then you
  Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
  Try to see the world beyond your front door.
  Take your time cause the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
  Realize that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
  Try to figure out what all this is for.
  
• There's an area of my life in which I need to move. I need to take action. There is another area in which I need to wait. The waiting part is the easiest. To take action means...action.
• Questions: what now? why? wait for how long? what steps?

I woke up with a song in my head. It was really annoying at first, but then I saw the significance. (Note: this is not a good hermeneutical approach to the song. I am definitely adding significance to a song which the author did not intend. Too bad.)

The song is "Take a Chance on me" by Abba/Mamma Mia. I didn't know the words until I looked them up this morning. Here's the first verse:

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey, I'm still free,
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down,
If you're all alone with the pretty birds have flown,
Honey I'm still free,
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try"

Without beating around the bush, that's what God has been saying to me lately, and apparently that's his message to me today: Take a chance on me.

I just watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy where I teared up twice.

once when a little boy was dying because his organs weren't working
and once when a man who murdered 5 women was executed via injection.

The world is such an unjust place.

Love is found in the words of a poet
the chords of a song
the story of a friend
the whispers in the heart
the fullness of the moon
the offer of grace
the patience of a god

Freedom is gained
Through death
The denial of self
The breaking of chains
The power of a god

Because there is love there is freedom
There is freedom in love

Love and freedom are mine
They are yours
They are God’s

They existed yesterday
They continue tomorrow

They are accepted now

I went to post something, but I'm not sure why I would post it online rather than just talking to people about it. Granted many times I do talk about the things I post, but blogging seems like such a good way to hide from actual conversations.

Do I write sad things so people will pity me?
Do I write happy things so that people will be happy with me?

Why do I write?

What is the point?

Edit:

I just wrote this and I think it's something that a blog would have...

I am on a journey to the center of my soul. It’s a shame that no one has written a travel guidebook about this particular trip. No one has traveled this road before, so no one can truly offer me little tips and tricks about the journey. There are thorns and briars but I don’t have a machete. All I have is an empty water bottle and a map that is old and unreadable. I am underprepared to say the least. It’s cold at night and hot during the day and I don’t have a sweatshirt or a fan.

I’m lost in the middle of the jungle and I don’t know where I’m headed. There is no northern star to follow or people to ask for directions. I want to turn back, but I’m so far in that even back is an unknown direction.

I’m hungry, but no food sounds appetizing.
I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do. I keep wandering aimlessly because it’s all that I can manage. To stay put is just as painful as it is to keep moving.

I just had a lot of fun in the snow. We played, sang, danced, marched, and other things which cannot be mentioned :).

It's good to feel free. Even for a little bit.

Quote of the night:

"Dude, we're so wasted, let's put on Mary Poppins"

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sometimes I just need to scream.

25 things...

I was tagged on facebook, but since I'm not doing facebook for February, I'm doing this here. :) 'Twas fun!

1. I just put on a few of my latest favorite songs while I wrote this, in order to best get my creative juices flowing.
2. I have never been west of the Mississippi River. I want to…
3. I would absolutely DIE without music.
4. I love to dance and sing. I was (and am) that girl who would dance when she was all alone pretending that she was on stage…I still kind of wish I could be a star…
5. I love working retail.
6. I used to want to be a writer. I wrote a LOT of stories in 5th grade and I still have them. I read them on occasion. I miss the freedom that I had when I could write fictional stories.
7. I love throwing parties. I love refilling the snack bowls when they get empty, cooking for large amounts of people, and having people over at my house. I want to be that house that is always open when I’m older.
8. I love to read fiction books. I wish that I didn’t have to read so much for classes so that I could just read other books.
9. Before I die I want to go to a Chicago Bears game at Soldier Field. And get good seats too, no matter how expensive.
10. I think that a date to a baseball game is the best date in the world…it has yet to happen.
11. I am proud that I know my cardinal directions well now. Thank you Chicago Semester J
12. As much as I am a city girl, I still love to be in nature, as long as when I go home I can see the house next door.
13. I love shoes. I want more and more and more. But my heart for justice says no more…it’s a battle.
14. I manage to trip in front of people that I don’t want to trip in front of. Not that there’s ever a good time to trip, but I seem to trip at exactly the wrong moments in front of exactly the wrong people…or fall down stairs for that matter.
15. Tulips are my favorite flower. Orchids come in a close second.
16. My dream car used to be a silver Mustang GT convertible with black interior. I don’t like the new ones though. I also wanted a silver Honda S27. I’ve since learned that there are more environmentally friendly cars with better gas mileage.
17. Half of my dreams include me living in a really nice house, with really nice cars, and working at a corporate job where I still help people. The other half of my dreams knows that it won’t be possible…
18. My two dream concerts: Jason Mraz and Dave Matthews Band. Point blank.
19. I love writing in fragments and rhetorical questions. See number 18 for an example.
20. I also love ellipses…I feel like they are the closest representation of real live conversation…Don’t ask me why…
21. I really want to adopt a kid from another country.
22. I am 22 and it feels so weird to say it. It’s such an old number. At 22 I feel like I should be doing real world type things.
23. I love pictures. I wish that I had a better camera so that I could try and take better pictures.
24. I used to have the Nestle chocolate chip cookie recipe memorized. With another look at it, I’m sure that I would again. It’s the only chocolate chip cookie recipe a person should ever use. All others fail.
25. I just learned that I’m an idealist. Who knew?

Please Answer My Question

Is God good?

and why/why not?

For such a time as this...

The concept that I am placed in or endure situations "for such a time as this" is one that I am clinging to this semester.

I do not want to take 3/4 of my classes. I do not want to do homework. I do not want to stress about making money. I do not want to plan for the future.

I want to sit with close friends and hear about their hearts and pour into them and tell them that they have potential. I want to get to know people that I do not know. I want to laugh and make jokes and read books and have fun.

But perhaps I still have a semester left for a reason, other than the fact that I still need the credits...

It's good to be back with friends.

Weird

Today is weird.

I am kind of back on campus and I feel like I'm in a dream.

Today is weird.

My relationships with people seem like they should be a certain way, but they are weird.

I hope this semester stops being weird.