How quickly I have forgotten.

I just read a journal I wrote for a class this past spring where I had frustrations, but an underlying hope.

But I've quit since then.

How quickly I have forgotten all of the feelings from last spring where I KNEW that God was working.

I yelled at God today and i'm really hoping that he yells back.

See, God's been very quiet. I've been doubting him more than I ever have before.

Not just doubting in what he says, but doubting the very existence and necessity of God.

There have been a few days in the past few weeks where I have stared at the sky and just asked God to prove himself. "Pulling a Gideon" as I like to call it.

I figure if God is who people say he is, and as big as he claims to be, then he can handle my questions and doubts, right?

I have just realized that the god i have believed in my whole life is not good for me to believe in. He expects too much, doesn't value me as is, and makes me feel like a piece of shit. Yes, shit.

So step one in my journey (should I choose to accept it) is to change my view of God.

I'm not there yet though. I think about reading all of the Christian living literature that I have on my bookshelf and I can feel my insides constrict, my heart rate increase.

So I wait. If God is who he says he is (and who my friends/family/Christians say he is) then he'll prove himself. If he really loves me then he'll prove it. Sometimes with love that's necessary.