Cubs opening day!

It's a Beautiful Day for a Ballgame,
for a ballgame, today.
The fans are out to get a ticket or two
From Walla Walla, Washington to Kalamazoo

It's a beautiful day for a home run
But even a triple's okay
We're gonna cheer
And boo
And raise a hallabaloo
At the ballgame, today!

My heart is bleeding.

Unleashing the heart: My journey towards not fighting men

If you have ever been around me when the topic of man's headship/leadership over woman has come up, you know that I have a few things to say about it...mainly things such as "It should be a partnership, not man ruling over woman" and "I do not want to cook for a man every day if that's what he expects of me" etc.

But tonight I figured out why I am so against the idea/proposition that wives need to submit to the husband (submit in the "final word goes to the man" sort of way) or the notion that a man is somehow the leader over the woman.

Let me explain. Tonight I was thinking about what I am going to need in a man should I ever get a boyfriend and one of the key characteristics that I keep coming back to is Strength. Not in a physical sense, although that is always nice, but in a confidence, presence, authority sense.

And then I made the connection. I need someone who will be strong enough in himself so that I can just rest and not have to worry about all the details, or worry about other things. Strong enough as a man, so that I can just be a woman. This is not to say, in any way, that men are better than women, or higher than women, or even emotionally/mentally stronger than women. But we are different. I don't always want to worry about where we are going, or who is going to take care of dinner, or what is going on, but when those things aren't being taken care of, then I feel the need to step up.

I want to feel safe! I want to rest, I want to be confident that I will be taken care of.

(Here's where my heart is freed). My gut reaction to say that I will never let a man have leadership/ultimate authority over me stems from one thing: my fear that I will be taken advantage of. Again. In the past, I dated guys who were weak; who recognized that with a few well-spoken words, they could control me. So I said "never again", only to put up walls that could potentially hurt my future.

Yes, I still believe that marriage is a partnership and that the headship language in the Bible isn't authoritative language. But now I don't have a feeling of animosity against all men. I can release myself to have hope that someday, there will be some man who will truly be a man and who will be strong enough to take care of me without having to manipulate.

Oh, and men? You can do it. You can be strong enough. Even when society tells you that you aren't, many times you already are.

Have you ever looked in the mirror only to find out that you are not the person that you once were? That you no longer know who you are?

It's a tad unnerving.

Everything in you wants to shut your eyes as tight as they can go while simultaneously running in the opposite direction in hopes that you can escape yourself. But you can't do either.

You can only stare. And stare. And stare...until there is nothing left to see.

Worst of all, the only way to reclaim yourself is to dig. Dig up the dirt. Dig deeper into your heart. Figure out what happened. Ick. I hate dirt. I really don't like blood either.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I guess I need to go find a shovel...

My passions are leaking out...

I've begun reading a book by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw called "Jesus for President". It has pictures! And quotes in picture form! (it's a wonderful book so far, I recommend it.)

Anyway, the beginning starts like this:

"You grew up in a good family; hardworking dad and a mom who was there when you needed her. They taught you and your little brother to share and showed you how to pray every night before bed. In Sunday school, you learned about Jesus and sang all the songs with the rest of the kids. There was Noah and his ark, Moses and the Ten Commandments, and little baby Jesus asleep on the hay. You learned about the blessing that was America and were grateful to live in a country led by good Christian leaders. With a hand over your heart or above your brow, you pledged allegiance to God and country, for the Lord was at work in this holy nation.

But lately you are beginning to wonder if this is really how God intended things to be. And you question if God is really working through places of power. Maybe, you wonder, God had a totally different idea in mind..."

Hmmm...that is me. Since our president just recently vetoed an anti-torture law, I've been wondering how our country could possibly have EVER been considered a "Christian" nation, how people can actually AGREE with the idea that torturing another human being is a GOOD way to do business!! (oh how I could go on and on about how Jesus wouldn't approve of torture...but that would just be anger and I don't want to ruin the rest of my day...)

My heart is broken the more I realize how the world works, and listen to people talk about how Obama is Osama because his father was Muslim, and hear stories of people being detained in our prisons without any rights, and see pictures of children who are dying from a lack of food and...

And then I can't help but wonder what my role in this story is. I'm a 21 year old female whose heart hurts because people are being treated unfairly. What can I possibly do? Where are the people in the world who will join with me? My life, my major, my internship are all dedicated to helping people and I feel so alone...

The world is so filled with destruction and with war and with brokenness. I long to see Jesus' people rising up to the challenge. Where are the Christians? Why are we voting FOR war and not AGAINST it? Why are we letting torture happen and not stopping it? Why are we letting millions die and millions more be orphaned from AIDS rather than doing all that we can to help them?