How Typical...

In an effort to remember where I've been, I'm posting a typical beginning of the year thing. I think it's important to remember so that we can move forward appropriately.

So in 2009, I:
-moved to/lived in GR for one full year (including changing my address)
-went to my aunt's first wedding.
-lived in 3 places
-worked at 2 full time jobs (at separate times)
-graduated from college
-questioned my faith more than ever before
-lost a friend and then gained the friendship again
-traveled to India and Switzerland
-developed really close friendships with some amazing people
-saw Jason Mraz live in Chicago
-cried a lot
-laughed more

It's been filled with the highest highs and the absolute lowest of lows. But I'm stronger and more determined to come out on top.

I don't want to be a Crazy Christian, but I don't want to be a bitter liberal either.

I want hope and love and faith in SOMETHING...if even myself.

I don't think I will find it if I seek it. I have to stumble into it. Get hit over the head with it. Fall into love.

That's it. I want to fall into love.

O Me! O Life! - Walt Whitman

O Me! O life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill'd with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew'd,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring-What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.
That you are here-that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

The other day I was on facebook and I saw these two quotes that really resonated with me and my current faith/lack of faith situation.

The first: "Once you've got it all figured out, but don't have LOVE, what was it worth; what was the point?"

and also..."An atheist said that if people really did believe in God, there would be some type of proof in their behavior; "They'd be doing all sorts of crazy things, giving up their lives, but they don't do that do they?"

Amen. Let me say it again. Amen.

As a former highly involved member of the church, I have seen it all. I have seen the well-intentioned but off the mark Christians, the on-fire Christians, the dead-beat Christians.

I have been encouraged by leaders, peers, and sermons. I have been extremely hurt by leaders, peers, and sermons, and not just in the conviction sense.

I know that the negatives shouldn't necessarily taint my view of Christianity as a whole, seeing as how "we all fall short of the glory of God" but it's hard not to let it.

Let's face it, there is no huge distinction anymore in the way that Christians live their lives. Ask many "crazy, secular, liberals" what their view of Christians is and they will have nothing good to say. The divorce rate among Christians is the same as non. Christians in my experience are more apt to vote FOR war than against. Gay humans feel inhuman around them.

and what for? In the name of Christ? Didn't Jesus preach love?

It's hard for me to come crawling back to the church when the church is harmful. Both the Church and the church are hurtful. Many people that I love dearly have been so burned. So hurt. I can't reconcile that in my mind.

One thing that has been hard for me during this time of seeking has been the conversations that I have had with people who had it all "figured out". Do we EVER really have it figured out? I would say no. There was an air of "Someday you'll see it like me" when we talked and that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

I don't know what the future looks like for me. I want SO BADLY to believe that there is peace, hope, and love that is attainable. The idea of Jesus hits places in my heart. But humans have yet to figure out how to carry out the ways of the Bible well.

Is it because we're human? Is that it? Are we never able to attain the things that Jesus promised? Is it that our systems are completely dysfunctional?

I don't have the answer anymore. What is your answer?

I want to sing again.

I kind of miss going to regular church services where I was able to express myself through music. Now, I just hope that the song on the radio is one that I know so that I can belt it.

**note** the MAIN reason I haven't gone to church services is NOT because of my recent doubts, but rather due to the fact that I have been working Saturday nights 3rd shift and going to church would be physically unhealthy for me.

**double note** I hate that I just justified why I don't go to church.

I love postsecret.com. I find it interesting that so many people feel free after they submit their secret or read someone else's.

I've wanted to submit some for a while. I've wanted to share things that I didn't want to tell people, but that I wanted to get off my chest. If I really think about it, though, I kind of want people to read them and to know they were my secrets. Why? I think because it would allow people into that space in my life.

It's weird how I want people to know the deepest parts of my heart and yet I do everything that I can in order to save face.

So here's a not-so-secret secret: I want to fall in love (and to be loved) more than I want anything else in the world.

Life is really all about love isn't it?

When I start asking myself what I want out of life, I come down to the old adage "to love and to be loved in return". That's it. Sure, it'd be nice to save the world or to find a fulfilling career, but those are just additional. I want to love myself, to be able to love others freely, and to be loved fully.

So what practices in my life can I adopt so that I can do those three things well?

That's my journey.