I am not looking forward to the balancing act of Real Life.

I AM looking forward to Spring Break.

"Believe" Staind

I sit alone and watch the clock

Tryin to collect my thoughts

All I think about is you

And so I cry myself to sleep

And hope the devil I don't meet

In the Dreams that I live through

Believe in me

I know you've waited for so long

Believe in me

Sometimes the weak become the strong

Believe in me

This life is not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams

I never have the things to say

To make it all just go away

To make it all just disappear

Hear my words

Hear my voice

So just believe

Life not always what it seems

Believe in me

Cause I was made for chasing dreams.

There's an article on CNN today about a former soldier and addict starting a charity to help homeless veterans. Apparently 1/3 of all homeless adults are veterans of war. This man's particular story included him becoming an alcoholic while a member of the Army. He was also using drugs by the time he left the Army.

This story is not uncommon.

The men and women who are deployed and who see combat come home different people. There are physical issues (injuries, drugs, alcohol) and there are psychological issues (nightmares, the inability to re-enter into society).

If we are going to send people to war, we need to take care of them.

There are stories upon stories of individuals who went to Iraq, came home injured, and are being refused treatment or the monetary help that they need. Some soldiers come home with Post Traumatic Stress disorder and "having been depressed before the war" are denied treatment (do a simple google search for the issues of soliders coming home, you'll see what I mean).

If we are going to send people to war, we need to take care of them.

Jumbled thoughts

• Due to my brain's inability to think linear-ly these days, this post will be a lot of jumbled thoughts.
• Crazy things are happening: in my life and in my friends' lives. It's all so exciting, but then I realize that we are graduating and may never again be a part of the story.
• I heard the song "Pinch Me" by the Barenaked Ladies today. I like these lyrics:
  It's the perfect time of year
  Somewhere far away from here
  I feel fine enough, I guess
  Considering everything's a mess.
  There's a restaurant down the street
  Where hungry people like to eat
  I could walk, but I'll just drive
  It's colder than it looks outside.
  
  It's like a dream, you try to remember then you
  Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
  Try to see the world beyond your front door.
  Take your time cause the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
  Realize that with a guy my size it might take a while, just to
  Try to figure out what all this is for.
  
• There's an area of my life in which I need to move. I need to take action. There is another area in which I need to wait. The waiting part is the easiest. To take action means...action.
• Questions: what now? why? wait for how long? what steps?

I woke up with a song in my head. It was really annoying at first, but then I saw the significance. (Note: this is not a good hermeneutical approach to the song. I am definitely adding significance to a song which the author did not intend. Too bad.)

The song is "Take a Chance on me" by Abba/Mamma Mia. I didn't know the words until I looked them up this morning. Here's the first verse:

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey, I'm still free,
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down,
If you're all alone with the pretty birds have flown,
Honey I'm still free,
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try"

Without beating around the bush, that's what God has been saying to me lately, and apparently that's his message to me today: Take a chance on me.

I just watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy where I teared up twice.

once when a little boy was dying because his organs weren't working
and once when a man who murdered 5 women was executed via injection.

The world is such an unjust place.

Love is found in the words of a poet
the chords of a song
the story of a friend
the whispers in the heart
the fullness of the moon
the offer of grace
the patience of a god

Freedom is gained
Through death
The denial of self
The breaking of chains
The power of a god

Because there is love there is freedom
There is freedom in love

Love and freedom are mine
They are yours
They are God’s

They existed yesterday
They continue tomorrow

They are accepted now

I went to post something, but I'm not sure why I would post it online rather than just talking to people about it. Granted many times I do talk about the things I post, but blogging seems like such a good way to hide from actual conversations.

Do I write sad things so people will pity me?
Do I write happy things so that people will be happy with me?

Why do I write?

What is the point?

Edit:

I just wrote this and I think it's something that a blog would have...

I am on a journey to the center of my soul. It’s a shame that no one has written a travel guidebook about this particular trip. No one has traveled this road before, so no one can truly offer me little tips and tricks about the journey. There are thorns and briars but I don’t have a machete. All I have is an empty water bottle and a map that is old and unreadable. I am underprepared to say the least. It’s cold at night and hot during the day and I don’t have a sweatshirt or a fan.

I’m lost in the middle of the jungle and I don’t know where I’m headed. There is no northern star to follow or people to ask for directions. I want to turn back, but I’m so far in that even back is an unknown direction.

I’m hungry, but no food sounds appetizing.
I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do. I keep wandering aimlessly because it’s all that I can manage. To stay put is just as painful as it is to keep moving.

I just had a lot of fun in the snow. We played, sang, danced, marched, and other things which cannot be mentioned :).

It's good to feel free. Even for a little bit.

Quote of the night:

"Dude, we're so wasted, let's put on Mary Poppins"

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sometimes I just need to scream.

25 things...

I was tagged on facebook, but since I'm not doing facebook for February, I'm doing this here. :) 'Twas fun!

1. I just put on a few of my latest favorite songs while I wrote this, in order to best get my creative juices flowing.
2. I have never been west of the Mississippi River. I want to…
3. I would absolutely DIE without music.
4. I love to dance and sing. I was (and am) that girl who would dance when she was all alone pretending that she was on stage…I still kind of wish I could be a star…
5. I love working retail.
6. I used to want to be a writer. I wrote a LOT of stories in 5th grade and I still have them. I read them on occasion. I miss the freedom that I had when I could write fictional stories.
7. I love throwing parties. I love refilling the snack bowls when they get empty, cooking for large amounts of people, and having people over at my house. I want to be that house that is always open when I’m older.
8. I love to read fiction books. I wish that I didn’t have to read so much for classes so that I could just read other books.
9. Before I die I want to go to a Chicago Bears game at Soldier Field. And get good seats too, no matter how expensive.
10. I think that a date to a baseball game is the best date in the world…it has yet to happen.
11. I am proud that I know my cardinal directions well now. Thank you Chicago Semester J
12. As much as I am a city girl, I still love to be in nature, as long as when I go home I can see the house next door.
13. I love shoes. I want more and more and more. But my heart for justice says no more…it’s a battle.
14. I manage to trip in front of people that I don’t want to trip in front of. Not that there’s ever a good time to trip, but I seem to trip at exactly the wrong moments in front of exactly the wrong people…or fall down stairs for that matter.
15. Tulips are my favorite flower. Orchids come in a close second.
16. My dream car used to be a silver Mustang GT convertible with black interior. I don’t like the new ones though. I also wanted a silver Honda S27. I’ve since learned that there are more environmentally friendly cars with better gas mileage.
17. Half of my dreams include me living in a really nice house, with really nice cars, and working at a corporate job where I still help people. The other half of my dreams knows that it won’t be possible…
18. My two dream concerts: Jason Mraz and Dave Matthews Band. Point blank.
19. I love writing in fragments and rhetorical questions. See number 18 for an example.
20. I also love ellipses…I feel like they are the closest representation of real live conversation…Don’t ask me why…
21. I really want to adopt a kid from another country.
22. I am 22 and it feels so weird to say it. It’s such an old number. At 22 I feel like I should be doing real world type things.
23. I love pictures. I wish that I had a better camera so that I could try and take better pictures.
24. I used to have the Nestle chocolate chip cookie recipe memorized. With another look at it, I’m sure that I would again. It’s the only chocolate chip cookie recipe a person should ever use. All others fail.
25. I just learned that I’m an idealist. Who knew?