Life is not at all what I expected it to be. At this point (14 credits away from graduation), I thought that I would have a general idea of what my career might be. I thought that perhaps, there might be some jobs that I would be interested in applying for.

Not so.

I feel so lost. Some people say it's normal. Others do in fact have a job lined up.

I want to do something big. I have considered finding an intentional community to live in. I have considered pursuing a Masters degree in who knows what. Something is moving on the inside and if I could just find the outlet, everything would be ok...

Oh and just to come public...I am 100% anti-war now. (that's just a hint of some of the "bigness" that's wanting to come out...)

I feel like I am constantly swimming upstream against the Christian community I am a part of...

I'm tired.

I don't offer grace to people...or to myself. Partly because I'm not sure I fully accept grace from God...

How do I change that?

Edit:: I knew it was bound to happen...

Edit:: a miracle happened. The body of believers came through and provided me with money. I can get to work!



I lost my CTA pass tonight right after I used it...well at least I'm pretty sure that I did because it is NOwhere to be found...

I did not need this.

the good news is that I think I'll be able to get by with minimal trips for around $25, which is less than what it would cost to replace my U-Pass (special for college students).

The bad news is that I don't have the money to do so...

I'm praying for the miracle of finding the pass.

Or perhaps this was God's way of blessing a homeless man/woman...

Today at work we had a Thanksgiving potluck. It was absolutely delicious! Did you know that having fried catfish is a tradition for some people?

The cool thing about our lunch today was that it was family style. We had over 20 people sitting at a large table. We are a very diverse group of people. There were many races, many accents, and a LOT of food.

It was definitely a picture of what heaven will be like.

There's a lot going on that I could write about.

• I'm working 32 hours a week. That warrants plenty of stories. Oh, the stories at World Vision. Here's a good one: Playboy gave a matching gift to World Vision. Yes you read it right...THE Playboy magazine. How ironic.
• I'm taking 3 classes. There are plenty of insights I could share. Or I could expand on my lack of insight.
• I'm in Chicago, the nation's 3rd largest city. There is plenty to talk about.
• Then there's the topic of friends...or family...or roommates...or how I have mixed feelings about going back to Cornerstone.
• Or there's God. God is always a good topic. Especially when it's something controversial like "we shouldn't go to war" or "we should really give away all of our clothes".

The problem is, no matter how many times I go to post something, the words don't come out right. They don't seem inspiring enough or entertaining enough. My posts don't get comments and it makes me wonder why I write. Why do I bare my soul for the world to see? In hopes that my friends will know something about me even though we don't actually talk this semester? Or is it just a pride thing where I want people to comment on ME and MY life?

I think in the end it's nice to be validated and heard. Maybe I'll be done blogging for a bit since the people who want to know will ask...Besides, does the general public really need to know these things?

Does anyone have extra money they'd like to redistribute?

I am in dire need of cash...

A recent post of mine on the CU Discussion board

I posted this in reply to people saying that they could never vote for someone who is pro-choice. It was a very heated discussion, and I had to reply.

There is much talk here about the issue of abortion. The verse provided shows that yes, God values life from the very beginning. However, his love for life does not stop there. Don't we serve a God who values ALL life? Not just the lives of unborn children? Don't we preach that God loves all humans? I consider myself to be pro-life, which includes me being anti-death penalty, anti-war, anti-abortion, and against other things in which people are killed.

If one says that he/she is pro-life, then he/she needs to consider issues other than abortion. For us to say that John McCain is the pro-life candidate is not accurate. He is committed to the Iraq war, in which many innocent Iraqis have died, not to mention the thousands of U.S. soldiers who have been killed and injured. He may be against abortion, but he is certainly not taking a pro-life stance. Neither is Obama a pro-life candidate, since he is pro-choice. However, he has spoken out against the killing of other people since the beginning of the Iraq war and he is not for the death penalty.

The issue of abortion is not really determined by the president anyway. Roe v. Wade was a Supreme Court decision, meaning that in order for Roe v. Wade to be overturned, the Supreme Court would need to handle that. In addition, if Roe v. Wade was overturned, the vote would go to the states, and my guess is that most states, if not all, would vote for abortion to be legal. For those reasons, I do not vote solely on the issue of abortion.

Being a Christian who votes means so much more than simply voting for the candidate which says he/she believes in God, who says he/she is anti-abortion, or who takes a stand against gay marriage. Perhaps God has called us to live in a radical way in which we stick up for the poor, the marginalized, the oppressed, and life as a whole. If you take that idea to heart, your life may be turned upside down.

I'm tired of living in transition all the time.

I am in Chicago for 6 more weeks. Then I am in Battle Creek for 4 weeks. Then I am in Grand Rapids somewhere for a guaranteed 4 months. Then I am _________.

I am ready to live in a place called home.

I hate being unsure.
More than that, I hate being the only one in a group who is unsure about a certain issue. Because while they may say that it's ok to be unsure, they really want you to believe what they believe.

We are all constantly trying to get others to see the world our way...to come to our side. No one is innocent.

I don't know what to think...

Am I who I want to be?

Am I friends with people who reflect who I want to be?

I already escaped...the rest is up to me.

The question is what will I do?

Bad decision of the day: wearing crocs to work when it was supposed to rain

Good decision of the day: buying Cocoa Pebbles as a bedtime snack :)

Robert Cray - Twenty

A different perspective...The soldier in the video is an actual conscientious objector.

Lasalle Street Church

I loved church this morning.

"We are already in the midst of what we are searching for. We just aren't aware of it."

Think about it.

What should be my life verse :

"Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."

So where exactly are you getting this $700 billion??

I have no idea what the government is trying to do right now. They must not have ever taken an accounting class.

Most of us know that you cannot spend money that you do not have. If you do, it's on credit, but it's not really your money.

Most of us should also know that the US is in debt. The government currently owes $9.4 trillion (http://useconomy.about.com/od/fiscalpolicy/p/US_Debt.htm) to other countries.

The current financial problem was caused, in part, by bad mortgages. Banks saw that the real estate market was doing well in the late 80's and so they jumped on board and began giving loans to people without even checking their credit. The real estate hype died down, and we were left with people who couldn't afford their mortgages, and banks who couldn't afford for their customers to not make payments.

So, the real estate market in some areas crashed, banks who had given out bad loans began filing bankruptcy themselves, and now we have a downward slide. Sources say, however, that we are not currently in a recession because our GDP has not been at a decrease for two quarters.

Nevertheless, businesses, large businesses are in trouble. What is the government proposing?? A $700 billion bailout. My question is WHERE ARE THEY GETTING THE MONEY???

They are proposing to spend money that they do not have. They are spending the tax payers' money to make up for the businesses' stupidity.

None of this is credible. The money that they are proposing to spend isn't actual money. It can't be The United States budget is already overdrawn...it has to be with the amount that we are spending on the war.

The funny thing is, both presidential candidates are suggesting that we spend more money to solve the economic problems in the country. The problem is that no one has any money! It's all owed to someone else. The government owes other countries money. We owe businesses money. It's all on credit.

I think that we need an accountant as our next president. Maybe then the budget would actually be a budget and not a bunch of random numbers.

A little piece of Cornerstone
in the Beer Garden at Navy Pier.

Ironic? Yes.

I will not miss living next to a bar.

Apparently no one feels the desire to comment...but maybe this will inspire you

I'm highly considering joining the Peace Corp or something like it after graduation.

I feel like God is calling me to do something radical. To join the history of believers who have left everything to follow Him and to serve the poor and the oppressed.

I can no longer sit here in this country and just take it all in. I can no longer watch my country kill and torture people and not make a fuss. I can no longer let my mind and heart be tainted by this mixture of culture/God or politics/religion or love/hate.

I have to do something. Sitting here is not an option. Shopping at Wal-Mart and driving an SUV is not an option. SO much of what I do adds to the injustice of people everywhere. I have to purge those things from my life.

Did you know that 785 million adults world wide cannot read or write? Of those, 2/3 are women.

Did you know that women earn 10% of the world's income, yet work 2 out of 3 of all labor hours world wide?

Did you know that an estimated 2 million children are sex slaves and most are girls?

Did you know that by buying products made in China we cause children's hands to be callused and bloody?

Did you know that 1/3 of the US budget is spent on the military? We have the most nuclear weapons and the "best" army (meaning we could wipe the most people out). Cool.

I have to do something.

Unrest

We have so easily given into the idea that we don't have to sacrifice anything to be Christians. We say 'God will forgive me' while we live in sin.

We don't think twice about what sorts of things our jobs contribute to in society, but we continue to work at them because "at least I'm an ethical person".

We blindly follow our government. They say war, we go. Those who protest are considered liberal, crazy, and unpatriotic.

We haven't actually sacrificed to follow. We try to fit God into our culture instead of living according to God and God alone.

We pledge allegience to a flag, to a country, to a government; all of which are broken and have bloodshed on their hands.

Early Christians were enemies of the state because they went against society and the government. They quit their jobs as soldiers and were willing to die for Christ.

Christ can give you life after death, the government just taxes what assets remain when you're gone.

I started my internship on Monday and it's been a ride. I'm hopeful that my experiences there will just continue to get better.

Today we had a good-bye party/ceremony for the Senior Regional Manager or something like that. It was cool to see people who are high up in the World Vision chain and hear what they had to say.

The man who left, Mike Mantel, spoke about a few things, but one of the things that stuck out to me was why and how World Vision exists. He explained that World Vision doesn't take the money of the rich and just give it to the poor, rather they build relationships between the rich and the poor. Jesus said that the poor will always be among us...that also means that the rich will always be among us. If people feel like they are part of a team, they will give, they will participate.

Other than work, life is pretty stretching. It'll be good eventually...

My addy

Here is my address in case you want to send me mail!

1220 N. State Pkwy
Apt 209
Chicago, IL 60610

:)

Week one is over with. Whew! I've overcome so many obstacles and gained so much confidence already!

I'm learning what it means to trust; to trust in God, in myself and my abilities, and in other people.

I'm learning that I do have what it takes many times, and when I don't have the confidence to back it up, God provides.

I'm learning how to love wholely and with everything in me.

I'm learning how to navigate Chicago! I'm getting pretty sweet, I won't lie :).

We start our classes this week and I start my internship on Thursday! I can't wait, but I'm pretttyyy nervous too...

And the place is...

World Vision!!!

I'll be spending 75% of my time in the finance/operations department and 25% of my time in the marketing/communications department. :)

I am so blessed.

Well it's been a few days.

I had two interviews yesterday and one today. They were all very interesting and a great experience, but one definitely stuck out :).

So, I have made my decision of where I am going to intern, but I can't disclose it until a later time.

So far, I am loving Chicago. I am comfortable on the el and the bus now! It's a great feeling! We move into our apartments on Saturday and I will be so thankful to have a place to call my own. Our apartments are two blocks from the beach which will be so fun to walk along.

I'll put up some pictures sometime...I don't have time right now.

Well I'm off to a meeting!

Busy Day!

Today was a crazy day! And it's not done yet...

For starters, I have two roommates (both named Heather) and a 1 bedroom furnished apartment! We visit the apartment tomorrow and move in on Saturday.

The biggest news is that I got my list of internship interview sites. I have 4 interviews in the next 3 days, all over the city of Chicago. My possible internship sites are:

-World Vision :)
-ACCION Chicago, a microfinance organization which offers small loans to people in Chicago
-Heartland Human Care Services, which offers help to people in crisis
-La Casa Norte, which offers support to homeless and at-risk families

They are all very different and I have no idea what I would do at any of them. Please pray as I do my interviews and try to find the places all by myself!!

Fear

I have lived my whole life in fear, making decisions because I was/am afraid of the outcome. I didn't try out for the play because I was scared I wouldn't make it, I don't do other things because I'm afraid of the consequences. I haven't really allowed myself to make decisions based on the right reasons.

However, last night I found myself thinking about this semester in Chicago and I was in shock! Jennifer Parks hasn't gone somewhere with unknown outcomes. Sure, college was a big step, but there were a lot of people who had survived and could tell me about it. It was a surity. I settled for a college because I was scared and Cornerstone was "good enough".

But here I am getting ready to hop on a train and head to the city where my family roots began. I do not have a roommate, an apartment, an internship, or a full understanding of my class load yet. And I am ready.

I have to take this step for me. For the right reasons. I am not going to run away, or because it's a guaranteed 4.0 (which I'm not sure it is...), or because I have 5 friends who are going (I don't know anyone). I am going because I love Chicago. Because I have wanted to live there for years. Because I want to live life fully and not under the notion that I have to be a "Type X person".

I think this is a step in the right direction for letting myself fly. And I cannot wait.

I'm reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne right now. If you've read it, or heard him speak, you might understand the wrenching in my gut right now, or rather the movement in my heart.

This has been a summer of unrest for me. I can't stand the fact that innocent people are dying at the hands of America. I can't stand the fact that countries are plagued with poverty when we have so much. I want to fix it all, and up until today, I thought the solution was in the government.

The solution is in Jesus.

I don't think the solution is to throw big conversion parties at church in order to "invite people to Christ" or to do on the street evangelism handing out tracts. I think it's to actually follow what Jesus said to do, to model after him.

In this book, Shane Claiborne talks about how we need to fix the institutions that cause poverty and cause pain. I have felt called to help people in some capacity as my vocation. Having a business mind, and soon a business degree, the options for helping others will be endless.

To truly help others (thus helping myself since we are called to be in community) I will need to find a way to go beyond the way that the world does business and redeem the systems that are broken. What a calling that is! I think we are all called to do the same thing...

So, if you are, or are going to be, a teacher...how can you teach in a way that redeems the educational system? redeems the kids you are teaching? brings life to the families of those kids?

If you are going to be a writer...how can you write to bring life and redemption to people?

If you are going to be a pastor, a business person, a doctor, etc...how can you use your skills to transform communities and the world and life in general? How can you be a solution and not part of the problem?

I've learned that in the working world the excuse "I'm too busy to date" is a perfectly acceptable excuse. I don't have to explain myself as to why I don't have a boyfriend because they understand that I am only 21 years old and am about to start a career. After all, the average age to marry for women is now 26.

Why then, do I feel a pressure from the Christian community to find my soul mate so quickly? Why do I feel like I'm behind the curve if I don't graduate with a ring?

I heard once that the divorce rate among Cornerstone students is HIGHER than the national average...I would rather stay single if divorce is a high probability...

I'm just a girl trying to find her place in this world

Well as most of you know, I'm going to spend the fall semester in Chicago. I'm so excited, but the money aspect is putting a damper on the situation. At the beginning of the summer I had a goal in mind and I went off searching for a second job. No second job came about and I'm going to fall short of my goal unless I get money from sources outside of my job. That's ok though because I think the gap is "fun" money, not rent money.

Anyway, this summer has been a journey of trusting God and I wanted to share.

First, there's the issue of my current job, Tuesday Morning. I worked there last summer and over breaks and I came back for this summer. It's just a minimum wage job but I like it. I was informed in the middle of May that corporate was planning to close us down by the end of July, unless by some miracle, the rent was decreased. Blah. I panicked! We had a huge clearance sale in June, made a TON of money and corporate decided to keep us open until the end of January. In addition, because we were "closing", my manager moved to a different store and I got promoted and I got a raise!

God 2: Jennifer 0

Then comes the issue of a finding a second job. Battle Creek is not hiring. They have been pretty hit by the economy problems and there are just no extra jobs. I put in applications, but I didn't get any calls, until the very end of June, 8 weeks before I have to be in Chicago. Ugh. I had two interviews and I was flabbergasted at God. Why now? Why tempt me with the prospect of a second job when no one is going to hire me for 8 weeks? I didn't get either job, but the point is that I got two interviews...

God 3: Jennifer 0

Then I get my bill from Cornerstone for the fall. At the end of the year I had been given an estimated cost for Chicago Semester from CU. I did the calculations and was planning on getting money BACK from CU. Instead, this bill had me owing $1,000. What??? So I started planning on what loans to get...but two days later I get an email saying that my bill was $1300 too much and it would be credited to my account. Hmm, funny game God's playing huh?

God 4: Jennifer 0

Sometime in June I got a letter from the city telling me that I've been summoned for JURY DUTY!! For the first two weeks of July I had to call in every night to see if I would have to go in the next day. I played in my head a situation where I would go in the first day, get stuck with a trial that lasted until I left and I would make no money. But of course God was just keeping me in suspense and I ended up not getting called in at all...

God 5: Jennifer 0

As you can see this summer has been a crazy one. I'm not one to easily trust God with plans and money, but he obviously wanted to show me that he's in control. Every one of those situations threw me into a panic, only to be resolved in my favor. So, I concede. God has things under control.

So many things are changing. I don't know what to do with it.

I'm a senior in college. When did that happen? The past 3 years have been spent waiting to graduate...waiting to be done with pointless classes. Well, the time is almost done. And yet, I almost don't want to leave because school work is safe. I'm good at school...

I'm going to Chicago in August. I'm going to live without a chaperone! I'm going to be a working woman. I have waited and waited...now it's here. And it's terrifying.

Friendships are changing galore. There's pain in the change and honestly, it sucks. I wish we could all get along, that our actions would match our words. I wish that the future was more clear so I could know what to do.

I want this transition to be over with.

"Before the World Was Made"

:: If I make the lashes dark

and the eyes more bright

and the lips more scarlet,

or ask if all be right

from mirror after mirror

no vanity's displayed:

I'm looking for the face I had

before the world was made ::

(from A Woman Young and Old by Yeats)

From the mouth of babes...

7 year old: I like Barack Obama.
me: Why?
7 year old: Because he's a Christian. and Hilary's a democrat.
me: uhhh, Christian and Democrat aren't opposites.
7 year old: They're not?

This conversation was actually sort of comical, but it also kind of makes me sick. While this is a minor false assumption that this kid had, it makes me wonder what other falsitys we teach people? One has to assume that this child picked up the idea that a person cannot be a Democrat AND and Christian. Who knows from where! But what other detrimental things do we learn by what people say or do not say? Do or do not do? And it is for the next generation, that we need to ensure that our actions AND our words are saying things that Christ would say, rather than what the popular Christian culture would say.

The Cubs are the best in the major leagues!!!!

Books

I love books. When I was younger, I read all the time. I was the kid in class who read the most books for the reading program and who had the highest reading level. Even in high school during the summers, I would read a lot. Slowly the books became more informative and less fanciful, more convicting than inviting.

I started to read yet another Christian /Religion/Spirituality book this summer and could only read one chapter at a time because it took so much energy and pondering. This was a good indication that I am wiped out. I've hit emotional overload.

So I picked up some fiction. :) It is not quality fiction, but rather cheesy Christian fiction which doesn't require much thinking. (Please give me some titles of good non-Christian fiction...please) It's good none the less.

The thing which prompted this little post was my trip to the local public library today. I realized that I totally lose track of time when I'm there. I'm lost in the world of books and imaginary lives. I can rent DVDs and travel the world for free. I wish there were more hours in the day sometimes so that I could continue in my story.

So, what books would you recommend?

Therapy

So my sister and I have been watching entire seasons of Gilmore Girls this summer. It's to the point where we comment on the same things at the same time (i.e. "Wow she's cute in this episode" at the same time as "I love her jeans!"). It's been fun to bond with her over something outside of having very similar DNA.

The Gilmore Girl side of things is great. I just LOVE the witty, sarcastic humor which I find myself relating to in many ways, for many days. I'm not sure it's entirely healthy to relate my own life to a TV show, but that happens some times :).

I'll be sad when we've completed the show :(.

I don't know if anyone reads this, but here goes nothing. Leave a comment if you'd like :).

Today I tried out my church's new college group. I went knowing it could be good or it could be bad, depending on who went and what the discussions were like. Let's just say I won't be going back. However, my feelings throughout the hour proved what I had already suspected...

I'm ready to be in a place where I don't have to prove myself. My ideas/beliefs have morphed over the past 3 years and I have found myself feeling like I need to defend them, or that I have to prove that my beliefs and passions are legitimate. I still affirm the Apostles' Creed, I still call myself a Christian, I still love God. Yet somehow, my new (to me) beliefs are challenged, my passions are intimidating to other people, and I constantly debate and defend.

While I do not mind a good discussion about politics, religion, and other controversial issues, I want my beliefs to be accepted, to be considered the norm. I want to be challenged and stretched, rather than being the one to challenge and to stretch others. Perhaps I am in people's lives now in order to challenge them, but I also need people who are going to challenge me.

I'm going to Chicago in the fall for my internship at a non-profit (yet to be determined), to take two classes, and perhaps to run away. I want to find a community that will love me for me and will encourage me to follow my dreams and ideas, instead of trying to persuade me to change. I'm hoping to meet people passionately following Jesus and living out their faith in tangible, radical ways that are similar to how I find myself living out my faith.

Let me declare to the world that I, as a Christian,
-am voting for Barack Obama in the November elections
-think that women should be allowed to be pastors
-believe that Christians should not be in favor of war
-am sick of the way that Christians have represented Christ to the world (just to name a few).

Perhaps you are a person in my life who also holds some of those beliefs. Thanks for entertaining these "radical" ideas with me.

If you do not hold to those same beliefs, I beg you to encourage me, none-the-less, as I strive to live a life following God's heart. Perhaps my ideas are too "out of the box" for you, but please just let them be my beliefs for now. Who knows, maybe you'll share them someday too :)

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible, Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Wisdom from lyrics

Things have changed for me, and that's okay

I feel the same, I'm on my way, and I say

Things have changed for me, and that's okay…

I want to go where everyone goes

I want to know what everyone knows

I want to go where everyone feels the same

It's time

I SO need to move on with my life. I cannot wait until Chicago.

I'm done

And to think that in the fall I'll be starting my final year of college and my brother will be starting his first year...ha.

May this summer be the break I've been needing.........

God is faithful and that's the only thing I can believe in.

Forgive and forget?

For the past few months, I have been given the challenge of forgetting about the past and just moving on. As someone very wise said, "it's hard to forget when you have a good memory" and that is exactly my problem.

I can remember all sorts of details about people hurting me, or mistakes I have made, or ....... That makes it very hard to just "forget" about the past. This tends to reap unfortunate consequences for me, though, as I hold on to the past and the hurt rather than letting it all go. But nonetheless, I cannot forget.

But today I was reading a book called "The Freedom of Forgiveness" and I read about the notion of forgiving and forgetting. The author (whose name I cannot remember) wrote the following:

"Forgiving and forgetting are related, but forgiving precedes forgetting. To forget ignores the needs of the offender and injures the offended by driving the sense of being wronged deep into one's own being where resentment does its slow destructive work. Forgetting is negative, passive; forgiving is positive and creative."

When I read that, my heart went "FINALLY!!! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!" When someone tells me to "let it go" or to "just forget it", it feels like they are telling me to shove my feelings deep inside and continue living as if nothing ever happened. I am not built to just shove my feelings inside and move on...I have to process.

True forgiveness, however, does not call for selective amnesia. Rather, it calls for a courage beyond all belief, a strength, a vulnerability. "Real forgiveness comes with the recovery of a relationship, even when the rupture is repeated again and again." (Note to self: that's hard, ok, darn near impossible)

The courage comes when you remember the hurt, but don't relive it. When you let past grievances lie buried, when you move beyond the feelings. The past is the past and while forgetting doesn't quite serve to our best interest, letting the past stay in its place does.

What can we do?

Last week I watched a documentary by Invisible Children. Invisible Children is a non-profit who uses the media, mostly movies, to bring about awareness of the children in Northern Uganda who are plagued by the war in Sudan.

Please go to www.youtube.com and search "Invisible Children". There are a lot of videos that you can watch.

Anyway, in the video that I watched, the kids were asking Americans to help. And it got me thinking.

I am not the biggest fan of a lot that America is known for, but I do recognize the power that the American government and military has in the world. I also recognize that America is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, among governments and individuals. If the government is aware of injustice happening in the world, which it is, shouldn't they be doing something if they can?

One might argue that we can't solve all of the problems in the world. No, we can't. But we can solve problems rather than cause them (cough cough ::war:: cough cough). The problems in Uganda are caused by rebels and war. Perhaps we are causing similar problems in Iraq?

Meanwhile we have spent roughly $400 billion on the Iraq war. (Can someone please tell me what we're still doing there?) Couldn't some of that money be used for other things?

If we as the people of America step up for what is right and step up for the rights of other people who can't fight for themselves, then something can be done. The government listens to the pressure of its people, and other countries listen to the pressure of the American government.

What are you fighting for?

Change is a comin'

I don't really like change. Yes, I know it's inevitable.

Lots of changes are coming. Some hard ones and some fun ones.

I don't really like change.

The future is slowly becoming the present and it's terrifying.

Sometimes, OK, a lot of times, I wonder why God made me the way he did. Each person has his/her own weaknesses or negative tendencies...but I just feel like mine are a tad over the top. It just seems like certain people are just able to cope better, able to love better, able to interact with people better, etc.

Meanwhile, I sit here doubting people, doubting God (not just his plans...but his very existence), wanting to be alone a lot, being overly critical, and so much more. These aren't just views that I have of myself, they have been confirmed to me by people I am the closest too.

What the heck? (*note: discernment was used there) How is it possible for God to create a person who has such a strong tendency towards all things negative? Some people love too much. At least love is a good thing.

Sometimes I just want to meet a person like me so that I don't feel so alone.

I'm going to Chicago in the Fall!!!!!!!!

Oh men...

So in one of my classes there are a few guys who are engaged/married. Some of them like to make comments about how proposing made such a large impact on their wallet. Others like to comment about how marriage is such the burden and make it sound as if they should have never proposed.

So, tell me then, why did they propose?? Why do SO many men complain about marriage or about their wives and the high level of commitment marriage requires??

Don't get engaged if you don't want the whole package!!!!

Cubs opening day!

It's a Beautiful Day for a Ballgame,
for a ballgame, today.
The fans are out to get a ticket or two
From Walla Walla, Washington to Kalamazoo

It's a beautiful day for a home run
But even a triple's okay
We're gonna cheer
And boo
And raise a hallabaloo
At the ballgame, today!

My heart is bleeding.

Unleashing the heart: My journey towards not fighting men

If you have ever been around me when the topic of man's headship/leadership over woman has come up, you know that I have a few things to say about it...mainly things such as "It should be a partnership, not man ruling over woman" and "I do not want to cook for a man every day if that's what he expects of me" etc.

But tonight I figured out why I am so against the idea/proposition that wives need to submit to the husband (submit in the "final word goes to the man" sort of way) or the notion that a man is somehow the leader over the woman.

Let me explain. Tonight I was thinking about what I am going to need in a man should I ever get a boyfriend and one of the key characteristics that I keep coming back to is Strength. Not in a physical sense, although that is always nice, but in a confidence, presence, authority sense.

And then I made the connection. I need someone who will be strong enough in himself so that I can just rest and not have to worry about all the details, or worry about other things. Strong enough as a man, so that I can just be a woman. This is not to say, in any way, that men are better than women, or higher than women, or even emotionally/mentally stronger than women. But we are different. I don't always want to worry about where we are going, or who is going to take care of dinner, or what is going on, but when those things aren't being taken care of, then I feel the need to step up.

I want to feel safe! I want to rest, I want to be confident that I will be taken care of.

(Here's where my heart is freed). My gut reaction to say that I will never let a man have leadership/ultimate authority over me stems from one thing: my fear that I will be taken advantage of. Again. In the past, I dated guys who were weak; who recognized that with a few well-spoken words, they could control me. So I said "never again", only to put up walls that could potentially hurt my future.

Yes, I still believe that marriage is a partnership and that the headship language in the Bible isn't authoritative language. But now I don't have a feeling of animosity against all men. I can release myself to have hope that someday, there will be some man who will truly be a man and who will be strong enough to take care of me without having to manipulate.

Oh, and men? You can do it. You can be strong enough. Even when society tells you that you aren't, many times you already are.

Have you ever looked in the mirror only to find out that you are not the person that you once were? That you no longer know who you are?

It's a tad unnerving.

Everything in you wants to shut your eyes as tight as they can go while simultaneously running in the opposite direction in hopes that you can escape yourself. But you can't do either.

You can only stare. And stare. And stare...until there is nothing left to see.

Worst of all, the only way to reclaim yourself is to dig. Dig up the dirt. Dig deeper into your heart. Figure out what happened. Ick. I hate dirt. I really don't like blood either.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I guess I need to go find a shovel...

My passions are leaking out...

I've begun reading a book by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw called "Jesus for President". It has pictures! And quotes in picture form! (it's a wonderful book so far, I recommend it.)

Anyway, the beginning starts like this:

"You grew up in a good family; hardworking dad and a mom who was there when you needed her. They taught you and your little brother to share and showed you how to pray every night before bed. In Sunday school, you learned about Jesus and sang all the songs with the rest of the kids. There was Noah and his ark, Moses and the Ten Commandments, and little baby Jesus asleep on the hay. You learned about the blessing that was America and were grateful to live in a country led by good Christian leaders. With a hand over your heart or above your brow, you pledged allegiance to God and country, for the Lord was at work in this holy nation.

But lately you are beginning to wonder if this is really how God intended things to be. And you question if God is really working through places of power. Maybe, you wonder, God had a totally different idea in mind..."

Hmmm...that is me. Since our president just recently vetoed an anti-torture law, I've been wondering how our country could possibly have EVER been considered a "Christian" nation, how people can actually AGREE with the idea that torturing another human being is a GOOD way to do business!! (oh how I could go on and on about how Jesus wouldn't approve of torture...but that would just be anger and I don't want to ruin the rest of my day...)

My heart is broken the more I realize how the world works, and listen to people talk about how Obama is Osama because his father was Muslim, and hear stories of people being detained in our prisons without any rights, and see pictures of children who are dying from a lack of food and...

And then I can't help but wonder what my role in this story is. I'm a 21 year old female whose heart hurts because people are being treated unfairly. What can I possibly do? Where are the people in the world who will join with me? My life, my major, my internship are all dedicated to helping people and I feel so alone...

The world is so filled with destruction and with war and with brokenness. I long to see Jesus' people rising up to the challenge. Where are the Christians? Why are we voting FOR war and not AGAINST it? Why are we letting torture happen and not stopping it? Why are we letting millions die and millions more be orphaned from AIDS rather than doing all that we can to help them?

I am 1 signature and 1 picture away from sending in my application.

Wahoo!!!

My application to go to Chicago Semester is finished! I still need about 5 signatures, a photo, and my transcript, but my part is done!!!

This is where the nervousness sets in...

God's faithfulness

It has been so evident lately that God is faithful. I've been really struggling lately with a lot of things and yet He has continued to show me that he loves me in various ways:

People:
Wow, where to begin?? People have come out of the woodworking in ways that I would have never thought.

• Words of encouragement at the exact moment I needed them from people that I don't usually hear from.
• Prayers for me that touch my heart because they are so insightful, even though the people don't know everything that's going on.
• And then there's hanging out with people spur of the moment at the exact moment that I needed something to do.

Music:
I love music with my whole heart. I think that words put to music are incredibly powerful. Let me share a song by Robbie Seay Band

• First of all, thanks for listening to our song,
  We hope this finds you driving in your car,
  Or wherever you are,
  Breathe out and breathe again,
  Know that life is hard,
  But it's worth the breathing.
  
  Listen to me now,
  For love, oh love,
  It's waiting for you just to say:
  Here come better days,
  And here come better days,
  Better days, and a better place I know.
  
  Secondly, I'm all messed up so royally,
  And I stumbled my way here,
  But wait, oh wait,
  Grace has found me,
  Shaken up my soul,
  Grace will follow,
  Wherever you will go,
  Listen to me now for grace, oh grace,
  Is calling for you just to say:
  
  Here come better days
  And here come better days,
  Better days, and a better place I know.
  
  Green grass,
  and I'm laying in the sunlight of you,
  And the wind is moving through the trees ushering you,
  And the better days you bring,
  the better places found,
  Feasting at your table I am overwhelmed,
  I lift my glass and drink to love that never gave up,
  Clouds pass fading into memories gone,
  And all I have to show for life is life and love and peace.
  What else could there be?
  
  Here come better days,
  And here come better days,
  Better days, and a better place I know...

If God is faithful in the little things like people and music, he can be faithful in the big things right? Like in my life? in my walk with him? in the worst days/nights of my life? Right?

I'm trusting so. Without it, I'd be lost.

I am so tired. Life is crazy now and I want it to stop.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free"

Why is life so hard?? Why do the people that we love hurt us the most? Why do we hurt them the most? Many times I wish that I didn't care, that I could just move on and leave the painful parts behind. But I can never actually do it, I can't leave.

I just want things to be ok. My wings are broken and I just want to fly.

'Cause you, you give me life
You give me hope
You're all I need.

Oh Theology class...

Warning: Possible rant ahead.

Today in theology we talked about special and general revelation. During the part on general revelation, my professor (as well as some other students) stated that while God does reveal himself through nature, and while we do have internal knowledge of God since we are created in his image, neither of those are good enough to have a relationship with him, due to the fall.

To this point, I would agree. Yes, for one to know God and Jesus and have a relationship with them, one needs community, more knowledge, in addition to nature and the internal knowledge.

However, my class took it one step further: You need Scripture to go to heaven.

Oh. I see.

"So what then," I ask, "happens to the people in Africa who neither have access to a Bible nor can read?"

"Good question. What does the Bible say?"

Some people responded with verses such as Rom 10:17 which talks about not being able to have faith without the message from the Word of Christ.

One person mentioned how it may not seem fair that the tribal people in Africa don't go to heaven because they don't have the Bible, but then again, it isn't fair that we go to heaven because really we don't deserve it anymore than we do.

All I could think about was about how BLESSED we are to have access to the Bible and even the ability to READ. And why do we have those things? Because we're rich. And white. Mostly because we're rich.

And then I began to see how I view God compared to how the class was viewing God. Do we honestly believe that God would damn people to hell because they didn't read the Bible? Do we think that God is SO SMALL that he only saves those who have read the Bible? Is God SO SMALL that he is INCAPABLE of speaking living truth into the hearts of people even though they cannot put a name to it?

I do not serve a small god who is confined to a book. I do not serve a god who can be predicted or who has allowed us to figure out who is in and who is out or who sends the poor and desperate to hell because they haven't been reached by white people.

I serve a God who is mysterious, whose ways still confound people today. A God who is BIGGER than the Bible (he created it after all...creators are bigger than their creations). A God who isn't confined to what people say or think. I serve a God who is STILL speaking and STILL moving and STILL showing himself to his creation.

The Future

:: Begin excited post ::

Ok so I am applying to go Chicago for next fall to take part in the Chicago Semester program (great name, huh?). I am working on the application and the nasty little essay questions they have. One of them is "discuss your educational and career goals for after graduation"

Well I have been considering the idea of going to grad school sometime after I graduate, but I had not really been set on it. I requested information from Eastern University for their program and got excited over my opportunities there. I just revisited their website and I found their tagline:

Faith. Reason. Justice.

Seriously?? It is calling my name. Who would have thought that a Christian university would have reason, faith, and justice all in the same statement? Not me.

I cannot wait!

:: end excited post ::

I want to be.

I don’t want to go.
I’m always going.
I’m sick of going. Running. Searching. Fighting.

Ready to move on, but my heart won’t let me.
It holds on to things that hurt.

My heart needs to go.
It needs to search. Run. Fight. Find.

Rest.
Hope.
Love.
Enough.

That’s what I want. Need.

I’m alone in the race.
A race I don’t even want to run.

I have a choice. Hurt. Or Run.

I don’t want to go.
I’m always going.
I’m sick of going. Running. Searching. Fighting.

Run the race marked out.
Perseverance.
Win.
I must win.

France has a Secretary of State for Human Rights.

I want to move there.

I've been learning...

the hard way.

Every day I am given the choice to love or to hold on to hurt and the past. Wow, talk about a hard choice. In Ephesians, Paul talks about how we need to love unconditionally because that is what God does. Wow, talk about a hard choice.

When I am hurt, I can love and forgive or I can hold on to the hurt and let it fester.

For some people love comes more naturally. Their hearts are built to hold a lot of people close. Mine is not one of those and so this is hard.

God is in control, though. And I'm choosing to believe that love wins.

I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused and losing ground
Is this part of some plan? The rise and fall of man?
I can't be sure.

When I'm away from my source of peace
Something fills that space in me
And it feels like I don't need you
It's easy to get by
When I don't even try to find the truth

Today I learned that faith
Is not to be obtained like a place I can go
It's more of a choice than a feeling
More of a wound than healing
The act of believing in you

And I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused
And losing ground

But maybe this is where I grow
When I admit that I don't know
When belief becomes the only way to you