How quickly I have forgotten.

I just read a journal I wrote for a class this past spring where I had frustrations, but an underlying hope.

But I've quit since then.

How quickly I have forgotten all of the feelings from last spring where I KNEW that God was working.

I yelled at God today and i'm really hoping that he yells back.

See, God's been very quiet. I've been doubting him more than I ever have before.

Not just doubting in what he says, but doubting the very existence and necessity of God.

There have been a few days in the past few weeks where I have stared at the sky and just asked God to prove himself. "Pulling a Gideon" as I like to call it.

I figure if God is who people say he is, and as big as he claims to be, then he can handle my questions and doubts, right?

I have just realized that the god i have believed in my whole life is not good for me to believe in. He expects too much, doesn't value me as is, and makes me feel like a piece of shit. Yes, shit.

So step one in my journey (should I choose to accept it) is to change my view of God.

I'm not there yet though. I think about reading all of the Christian living literature that I have on my bookshelf and I can feel my insides constrict, my heart rate increase.

So I wait. If God is who he says he is (and who my friends/family/Christians say he is) then he'll prove himself. If he really loves me then he'll prove it. Sometimes with love that's necessary.

My heart's ramblings...

There is currently a disconnect between who I perceive myself to be and the way in which I am living my life. And also between what I want to do and what I'm able to do. And also between what I want and how I'm achieving what I want.

All in all, life isn't very satisfying right now. I look at myself in the mirror and then scurry away because to continue to look and examine would require me to own up to the discrepancies.

I'm stuck. Or at least I feel stuck.

I look around me and wonder if it's all a dream. We've created ourselves quite the world haven't we? We do so many unnecessary things. We spend time on the internet, a semi-untangible thing, stalking our "friends" and sharing pieces of our hearts to people who really don't care. We go to work at jobs that don't mean anything in the big scheme of things. I mean, how much of this is necessary?

I spend a great deal of my time at work trying to make things as "homey" as possible for the people at the hotel. Wouldn't it just be better to be at home?

I was thinking about boundaries in relationships today. Somehow unwritten rules have been created saying that when interacting with friends/partners/lovers/etc we are to act a certain way. Says who? Why do we all have to conform to one way of doing things when we are each going to love in different ways? Why can't I just live in the best way for me? If I worry about getting hurt by people all the time I will never love. I won't be able to put my heart out, to let anyone see it, regardless of whether or not it is a romantic relationship. Trust me, I've been there.

Why is love so scary? Why is it necessary? Why is it desired so much??

To love and to be loved. That's all I want. Not in the "I love you but..." kind of way, but in the "I love you and..." kind of way. Complete acceptance. Constant encouragement to pursue my dreams. I can tell you all the crap, I need people to tell me the good.

I've lost faith. I've lost purpose because I lost faith. I feel like a nomad just searching for a place to rest, a place that feels like it could be home for awhile. I'm tired of being a nomad. My other options aren't appealing though. To quit wandering would mean settling. I refuse to settle, so I keep wandering, however tiring it is.

Yup, purpose is gone. I can see it in my words. I can feel it in my chest and in the burning of my eyes.

So what now, oh you dark abyss? Are there answers? Are there truly answers for the deep, dark questions of my heart? Is peace possible?

Alas, I shall let the eternal questions lie for one more day.

I am a
strong
independent
educated
smart
passionate

female

capable of
loving deeply
achieving my goals
dreaming of a better world

and i like that.

I think that my type of female is beautiful and ok.

So why in the world have I let people convince me otherwise?

Not having faith is tiring.

I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!

Have you ever thought about the power of human interaction?

I'm thinking specifically romantic love between two individuals. An emotional connection creates a physical feeling. An abstract word, "love", consists of such powerful human emotions, desires, longings. And to think that all of these feelings, whether physically or emotionally felt, are all physiological in nature as well.

Being in love with a person can make a woman come alive and be free, can draw out the inner strength and power of a man. This love can draw out the power in a woman and can bring out the sensitivities in a man. Simple, yet complex feelings which we cannot control end up controlling us. Chemical reactions created by a feeling, a glance, a conversation have so much power.

But how? We don't really choose who we fall in love with. We generally cannot choose who we are attracted to, try as we might. So how strange is it to think that these random connections with people can bring so much meaning to a life?

I read "The Bridges of Madison County" and was left with an awe of human interaction. I was also left with a fear. A fear that my dreams will be washed away by time. That I will end up in a passionless marriage where I stay for the kids and because of the commitment that I made. That I will have sacrificed my dreams for a meager existance.

I am hesitant to hope for too much because I don't want to be disappointed in the end. But I know that without any hope, my life will take a turn for the worse... Perhaps I can not only find significance, freedom, power, and love in a romantic relationship somewhere down the road, but also in my relationships now with people.